When I was diagnosed with cancer, one of the first lessons I learned was living with uncertainty. This year reminded me of this lesson and tested my resiliency. A year of learning how to readjust and shift my mindset. Understanding what I can control, and what I cannot. Overnight, life became cumbersome. Simple tasks like shopping for food, getting my haircut or taking my dog to the vet became more of an ordeal. Standing in line outside in the cold, sitting in my car waiting for a text, spending far more time than usual. Missing family and friends and most importantly that personal connection you just don’t have on Zoom.
What a year this has been. So much has happened and at the same time, so little. One day meshed into the next. I don’t know about you but often I had no idea what day it was. A repeat of the day before. Little interaction with people outside of my household. Some days have brought sadness, and some have brought joy. I have learned to re-shift my expectations and my moods have shifted dramatically, one day up and one day down. My daily goal to find ways to improve my mental health and stay engaged.
The stress and worry have been hard.
I worried about my dad who lives in Florida, far away from his family. I thought of ways to safely see him and in the end, the decision was for both of us to stay put. It has been over a year since I have seen him. Early on, my doctors told me because of my past treatments and type of cancer I had, I was at high risk of developing serious complications from Covid-19. I completed risk assessments in my mind every time I left my house. Very little is risk free and I was careful to minimize my risk as much as possible, without locking myself in my house and negatively affecting my mental health. There were times when I wondered if I had been safe enough.
My year started in a big way, with an educational trip to Cuba and an acceptance into a graduate program. I had found my groove and was super excited for the future. Reinventing myself after raising my children had been a challenge and after years of the boys in and out of the house, we all seemed to finally be set on our paths. I started a new business. My husband began a new job and was excited about networking over coffee, lunch/dinner and the golf course. Both of my sons seemed to be happy and had found their way in their respective cities.
And then came March 13. The day that changed everything. This thing called the coronavirus seemed to be moving in and we headed to our place in Maine as Boston began to lockdown. Two weeks turned into eight months and counting. Son number 1 left NYC and joined us in Maine and to this point has lived with us for seven months. Son number 2, a total of two months. My cookbooks made a resurgence and family dinners from years ago became a daily occurrence. To experience those dinners again, I am so incredibly grateful. Most of us with grown children never expected to have this additional, extended time with them.
There have been blessings in the darkness.
But not without challenges. We have all tried to find our way. This was not a vacation where we could enjoy time together as adults and then say our goodbyes. Living in your parent’s house after time on your own is not easy. Having your adult children revert back to the days when they were children understandable and also challenging. Our lives in a holding pattern. But the good news is I didn’t have to worry so much. My boys were under my roof and they were safe. I didn’t have to wonder what they were doing and if they were ok. Sometimes, I wanted my life back. Other times, I wanted to keep my boys right where they were.
There have been blessings in the darkness.
- Taking a daily walk, breathing in the sun, and the air, and taking time to reflect.
- Practicing daily gratitude and reminding myself of all that has been good in my life.
- A summer with beautiful weather and the opportunity to see friends in a safe setting. Playing golf, dining outdoors and appreciating a change in scenery and moments of normalcy.
- Moving forward with a plan for my future. In my mid-50’s taking the plunge and went back to school. The school has a positive influence on my mental health. In late August, I began a new journey which was intimidating, scary and invigorating. Re-learning how to conduct research and write papers as well as learning unfamiliar technology. Each week is filled with lectures, readings, quizzes and papers. The work and focus required kept me from fixating on the daily covid and election news and prevented my mind from wandering to dark places.
We have all coped differently. Some have taken more risks in times of Covid and others to the opposite extreme. Even so, our shared experience of a time so unexpected and surreal has connected us in many ways. Just like cancer patients, we have put on a brave face and looked for silver linings and at the same time experienced moments when we admitted this hasn’t been easy and coronavirus just sucks.
I said at the beginning of this post, that many days seemed the same as they blurred together, yet when I looked back on my year of pictures, I realized I forgot much of what I actually experienced. Despite the overall feeling of a lost year, there were blessings and happy times to be remembered and celebrated. Still, I yearn for a return to normalcy. I want to hang out with my friends and give them a hug hello and goodbye. I want to see my dad, my nieces and nephews and far away friends. I know it is not about going back but learning to move forward in a new world. Everything I took for granted, sitting down inside a restaurant, sitting at a bar on a Friday night, boarding an airplane, taking a vacation and entertaining friends will all take on a new meaning and appreciation. I am starting to see a light in the darkness. So close yet so far away, at times. But the day will come. That I know.
I wish you a healthy and happy new year!
